Navigating the new South Africa...

[St_Bond]

How does one explain to someone over the phone where you live these days? I tried to leave a message for a friend in 'The greater Council of Msukaligwa', Mpumalanga recently.

 

Msukaligwa was in the past known as Ermelo, and Mpumalanga used to be the

Eastern Transvaal Province. His new receptionist sounded eager and willing

but became increasingly confused.

"Please ask him to phone me at my Polokwane number," I said.

 

"Where?" she asked, as if she had just taken a mouldy green pie out of its bag.

 

"Polokwane," I repeated.

 

"Where is that?" she asked.

 

"Between Mokopane and Makhado in Limpopo."

 

"Where is that, sir?" she asked, politely and patiently.

 

"Well," I explained, "you go from Tshwane, past Bela-Bela, then past Lephalale and on through to Modimole. Go through the tollgate and travel on past Makopane. Polokwane is the next town, after Makopane

but before Makhado."

 

"Wait a moment, sir," she said. "Where is this Makhado?"

 

"Between Polokwane and Musina," I said trying to sound helpful.

 

"And where is that?" she asked, now thoroughly confused.

 

"Musina is between Makhado and Harare," I said trying my best to guide her in the general direction.

 

"Oh, so you live in Zimbabwe!" she said triumphantly.

 

"No, I was just explaining to you where Polokwane is."

 

"In Zimbabwe?" she asked hopefully.

 

"No, in Limpopo," I corrected her.

 

She sighed forlornly and said, " You mentioned Tshwane. I've heard of Tshwane, but where is that?"

 

"Oh that's easy," I replied, "between Bela-Bela and Egoli."

 

"No sir, I mean the town, not the country."

 

"Me too," I said. "Tshwane, is between Bela-Bela and Egoli, but outside of Pretoria"

 

"You mean near to Pretoria, sir?"

 

"No," I said. "Pretoria is in Tshwane."

 

"But Pretoria is in Gauteng, sir, at least I know that!"

 

"That's right, but Pretoria is now also in the middle of Tshwane. Like the hole in a doughnut." I said.

 

I could hear she was as muddled up as a pack of cards.

 

"Uh-hhuh..."

 

"Egoli is on the other side of Tshwane if you travel south from Bela-Bela."

 

"Sir... are you having me on?" she said, getting slightly narked. "Have you perhaps been drinking?"

 

"No sweetheart," I said. "I haven't been drinking. It's just that they've changed the name."

 

"Excuse me, sir? You say they changed your name?" by this time, not really listening properly any more.

 

"No, not my name, the name of the town I live in now."

 

"Which town's name did they change then?"

 

"Pietersburg."

 

"Oh, so you live in Pietersburg!" she exclaimed as if a bright light had just been switched on.

 

"Well, strictly speaking, I live in Polokwane, but it used to be Pietersburg."

 

"Really? Now I get it, you're phoning from Polokwane that used to be Pietersburg!" she said gleefully.

 

"That's it!" I said.

 

"Now what are all these other names you mentioned?" she asked.

 

I then explained, "Egoli was Johannesburg. Pretoria is now in the middle of Tshwane.

 

"So if you travel north from Egoli you get Tshwane, Pretoria and then Tshwane again.Then you get Bela-Bela, that used to be Warmbaths, and then you come to Lephalale, which used to be Naboomspruit,

 

"After Lephalale it's Modimole that used to be Nylstroom, and then Mokopane, which used to be Potgietersrus.

after Mokopane, you get Polokwane. That's where I'm phoning from. It used to be Pietersburg. Further north from Polokwane is Makhado, the old Louis Trichardt, and on the other side of Makhado is Musina, that used to be Messina."

 

"And Musina is near Limpopo!" she said loudly, trying to sound clever.

 

"Yes and no," I said. "The Limpopo I'm referring to is the Province of Limpopo, not the river."

 

"What river?" she asked.

 

"The Limpopo river near Musina," I said.

 

"But I thought you said Limpopo was a province!" She was clearly exasperated.

 

"I did. But it's also a river that forms the border between South Africa and Zimbabwe, with Musina being in the Limpopo Province of South Africa, and Harare being in Zimbabwe," I explained.

 

"Oh no, here we go again!" she said despairingly. "I'll just tell him you called, sir."