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Jokes 3


.TuG.DaveAlmighty
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This is the rest of them.

 

 

 

 

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says,

 

"Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

 

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man

 

"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

 

So that's what the man does and he is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks

 

"What are you doing in there?"

 

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

 

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

 

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

 

 

 

 

This boy walked in on his mom bouncing on his dads stomach....and his mom dismounted fast and went after him. The boy said "mom what were you doing" mom said "well i was helping your dad flatten his stomach"

 

The boy goes "dont waste your time"

Mom says "why?"

The boy goes "because whilst ur shopping, dads secretary comes over and helps him blow it back up"

 

 

 

 

Snyper walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store

laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's

no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

 

The next day, Snyper comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and

once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of

the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

 

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him

to see where he goes."

 

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts

cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the

guy.

 

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

 

 

 

 

A man was in his bed in the hospital, and in walks a nurse.

The nurse begins to sponge bath the old man, and the old man says in a whiskery voice

"are my testicals black?"

The nurse shocked at what she just heard says

"no sorry, that is not my job, i'll call another nurse in to check"

 

after a few minutes, the old man says

"are my testicals black?"

 

again the nurse replies

"sorry, thats not my job"

 

The man says one more time

"are my testicals black?"

 

so at this point the nurse has a hankering curiosity.. she reaches down, feels around and takes a very close look.

she then tells him

"no sir, your testicals are not black"

 

 

the old man speaks louder and says

"thats great, but i asked if my test results are back"

 

 

 

 

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy,

 

"What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!".

 

The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

 

 

 

 

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She:"Oh that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He:"I found the remote."

 

 

 

 

Mike and John spent the night drinking and taking drugs, outside the town, at the early morning while driving back home on a highway, Mike says to John: be careful of that tree coming at the side of the road., John didn't reply, few seconds later, again Mike says: Watch out for the tree man!! and again John didn't reply, getting very close and very fast to hit the tree Mike shouts: THE TREEEE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.... BAM!!! the car hits the tree badly.

 

Surpsignly they came out alive, Mike says in anger: I told you 3 times stupid ****** to watch out the tree!

 

John replied: and what could I do!! you were driving the ****en car!!

 

 

 

 

A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

 

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

 

He took pity on her and said,

 

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

 

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,

 

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

 

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

 

"I get food and a trip to Europe and he's screwing me."

 

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

 

 

 

 

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until

this

point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

--------------------------------------------------

2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

getting the same error message."

Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--------------------------------------------------

3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

--------------------------------------------------

4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

--------------------------------------------------

5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can

you

see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

--------------------------------------------------

6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer:: "A white one."

--------------------------------------------------

7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

--------------------------------------------------

8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery

store."

 

--------------------------------------------------

9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

--------------------------------------------------

10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal

abortion."

--------------------------------------------------

11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

--------------------------------------------------

12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

--------------------------------------------------

13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print

document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

--------------------------------------------------

14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open

24

hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

--------------------------------------------------

15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support:: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

--------------------------------------------------

16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that

his

computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup

and

it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech

is

frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there

is

an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Let

me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with

NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you

the

file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he

started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

-------------------------------------------------

17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now

and

may I help u in finding it out?

Cust: sure

CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?

Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

 

 

 

 

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

 

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

 

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

 

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

 

 

 

 

A bored housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the wardrobe and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home early, so she quickly puts her lover in the wardrobe with her little boy.

The boy says, "Dark in here"

The lover replies, "Yes it is"

Boy, "I have a baseball"

Lover, "Thats nice"

Boy, "Want to buy it?"

Lover, "No thanks"

B, "My dads outside this wardrobe"

L, "Ok, how much?"

B, "

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