Some mails currently circulating my wifes works

[UnDyingUK]

Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life. One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.

 

She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police.

 

When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.

 

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

 

Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.

 

The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's c**t when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.

[UnDyingUK]

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor

given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing

themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

 

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke Machine which

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of

it.

 

And the nominees this year in reverse order are:

 

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the

fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire Burned his house

down killing both him and his sister.

 

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his Home died of

suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and

weighed

225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white

saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a

schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had

the filter canister Removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The

other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx.12"

long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum

for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the

 

task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his Family very

awkward.

 

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when

 

another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the

occupants

of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.

They

were all found dead in the Wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he

tried

to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot Railroad trestle.

Fairfax

County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these

straps together, wrapped one end around One foot, anchored the other end to

 

the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren

Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone

because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled

 

was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground",

Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

 

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

 

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of

a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all

potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had

been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon

entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the

dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later

described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and

retrieving an object that resembled A cigarette lighter. Upon operation of

the lighter-like object,the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces

of

it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians but the

lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected

of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

 

AND THE WINNER.....

 

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez

tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are A bad mix, Sanchez

managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.

Much tohis dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank

on the machine with Sanchez's Scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly

in

the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,

collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height

of the

ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles

are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

Sanchez'sscrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was

plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other

testicle was compressed and flattened as it was Pulled between the housing

of the washer,and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,

Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro

shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital

for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

 

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But

because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,

 

we have allowed it.

[HeLLduB]

Holy Shit UD,

 

What the f**k, just goes to prove that stupidity takes over the weakest of minds.

 

What a bunch of fucking morons!!!!

 

My ideal job would be, CEO of the gene pool commitee!!! Just so I can get rid of these freekin' idiots!!!

 

Cheers

 

[Bigman]

well UD half of those places are south of the border and do u know what we call us people south of the border? Stupid?..............No.......... Rednecks.

 

red?neck [ r?d n?k ] (plural red?necks)

 

noun

 

1. a taboo term for a Caucasian farm hand in the southern United States, especially one regarded as uneducated or aggressively prejudiced

 

2. a taboo term for somebody who is opposed to liberal social changes, especially somebody regarded as prejudiced

 

[From the sunburned necks of those who work outdoors in sunny climates]

 

red?necked adjective

 

This to take into concern:

1. especially one regarded as uneducated

2. opposed to liberal social changes