Jokes!

[.TuG.DaveAlmighty]

Ok, read the pwnage of these jokes

 

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye., "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours"

 

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story"

 

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

 

 

 

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name."Carmen," she replied.That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?""No, I named myself, she answered."Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes., "So what's your name?" she asked."Beer****."

 

 

 

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.""What's that?" asks the bartender."Only fifty cents!"

 

 

 

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the most drunk, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

 

 

 

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips." The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having."

 

 

 

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. You will be forgiven, but only if you say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

 

 

 

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

 

 

 

80,000 blondes meet at the Wembley Stadium for a, "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

 

The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

 

One blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

 

After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Eighteen."

 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

 

The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the World Wide Press, I guess we can give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?"

 

After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Ninety."

 

The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

 

Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

 

After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Four."

 

The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

 

 

 

 

 

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly, a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

 

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into brunette, and she then swims off the island.

 

The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

 

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. So, the fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

 

 

 

A blonde dies her hair because she is tired of being called dumb.

 

The next day, she meets a farmer with some sheep., "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" she asks.

 

The farmer agrees.

 

The blonde takes a quick glance, then says, "You have 158 sheep, mister."

 

To the farmer's amazement, the woman is right, so he hands over one of the sheep. Then, as she walks away, the farmer asks, "If I can guess what color hair your hair really is, can I have my sheep back?"

 

The woman agrees.

 

"You're a blonde... now give me back my dog."

 

 

 

 

Ask me if you want more =]

[Xtreme]

LMAO nice jokes m8:biggrin:

[.TuG.DaveAlmighty]

keke, should read the water thing, and watch ze videos:biggrin: