Jokes

[.TuG.DaveAlmighty]

Has been a while since I last posted my jokes, but now. Here lie the best, most disgusting, probably explicit jokes on the internet. Oh and it wouldn't surprise me if there's two of the same one. Enjoy:smile:

 

 

 

 

 

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican,

are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes

a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then

throws the bottle over the bridge.

 

The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was

perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

 

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come

from."

 

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes

a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws

the rest of it over the bridge.

 

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that

for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

 

The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I

come from."

 

Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he

searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He

looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and

throws him over the bridge.

 

The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"

 

The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come

from."

 

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple

scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks,

"That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found

my wife in bed with my best friend."

 

'Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"

 

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her

to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

 

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about

your best friend?"

 

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!"

 

 

 

 

There was a guy in a bar one night that got

really drunk. When the bar closed in the early hours of the

morning, the man removed himself from his bar stool and

left the establishment. As he stumbled out the door he saw

a nun walking alone on the sidewalk.

 

The really drunk fellow stumbled over to the nun and

surprised her with a knuckle sandwich to her face.

 

Before the surprised nun could react, the drunk fellow

punched her yet again, knocking her to the ground. Then,

the drunk fellow kicked her in the rear end.

 

Finally, he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By

now, the nun was very weak and almost lifeless.

 

The drunk fellow stumbled over to her one last time, glared

down at her and said, "Not so tough tonight, are you

Batman!"

 

 

 

 

Three best friends, an Italian guy, a black guy and a

Jewish guy, are at the corner bar having a few drinks. Some

time later, the drunken fools decide to have a bet to see

whose wife will scream the longest when making love. So,

they all stumble home and take action.

 

The following week, the three guys all arrive at the bar at

the usual time with smiles on their faces.

 

The Italian guy exclaims, "I definitely won! I took my wife

out to dinner and I bought her roses. Then, we went home

and made love. She screamed for an hour!"

 

The black guy brags, "Man, I got you beat! I cooked dinner

for my wife. Then, for desert, I poured honey all over her

and we made love. She screamed for two hours!"

 

The Jewish guy bellows, "I got you both beat! I made love

to my wife for 3 minutes. Then, when I pulled out, I wiped

my schmeckle on the curtains and she's still screaming!"

 

 

 

 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as

the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed

first. This natural selection is good for the herd as

whole, because the general speed and health of the whole

group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest

members.

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as

fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of

alcohol kills brain cells. And, naturally, the slowest and

weakest brain cells are attacked first.

 

And so, it can be hypothesized that regular consumption of

beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, resulting in a

faster and more efficient brain.

 

 

 

 

A man stranded on a desert island comes

across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The man helps

the woman and welcomes her to the island.

 

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you

smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

 

The man explains that he did smoke before becoming stranded

on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her

bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.

 

A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank

before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

 

The man explains that he did drink before becoming stranded

on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag,

and they enjoy a drink together.

 

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this

island for ten years without a woman, huh?"

 

"That's right," says the man.

 

The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play

around?"

 

"Good God lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of

clubs in that bag too!"

 

 

 

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered up ten

shots of whiskey, then sat there and drank them one after

another.

 

The bartender commented, "When a man drinks like that, he

must have something on his mind."

 

The man replied, "Yep, I just found out that my oldest son

was gay!"

 

A couple days later, the man returned to the bar and

ordered up twenty shots of whiskey.

 

"What's the matter now " asked the bartender.

 

"I just found out that my other son is also gay!"

 

A week later, the man again returned to the bar and ordered

up thirty shots of whiskey.

 

The bartender remarked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like

pussy "

 

The man replied, "Yes, my wife!"

 

 

 

 

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President

Clinton on a recent flight.

 

Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came

around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey

and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if

he too would like a drink.

 

Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be

savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch

these lips."

 

The President then handed his drink back to the flight

attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there

was a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having.

 

 

 

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says,

"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour

yourself one, and give me the bill."

 

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the

bill.

 

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

 

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws

him out into the street.

 

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and

once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a

drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

 

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid

enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the

benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the

house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

 

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

 

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats

the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into

the street.

 

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar

and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink

and give me the bill."

 

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this

time?"

 

The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you

drink."

 

 

 

 

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As

he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him,

"What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

 

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

 

 

 

 

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the

saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it,

lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass.

 

The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and

thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to

the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I

noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it

and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?"

 

The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips".

 

"Wow!" says the bartender., "It cures chapped lips?"

 

"No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

 

 

 

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.

 

A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the

bartender became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then

poured the rest on his hand.

 

A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The

bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck

are you doing?"

 

The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and

I are trying to have a drink?

 

 

 

 

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the

saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a

habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some

time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

 

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his

gun into the air, caught it above his head without even

looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling., "Who

stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

 

No one answered.

 

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back

outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did

back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to

do what I did back in Texas!"

 

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

 

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find

his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride

out of town.

 

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say

partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"

 

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

 

 

 

 

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is

carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his

left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks

and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced

and has learned not to ask people about the animals that

they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

 

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the

ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the

bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an

awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some

conversation.

 

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

 

"Huey" said the first duck.

 

"How's your day been, Huey?"

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles

all day."

 

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

 

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your

name?"

 

"Dewey" came the answer.

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles

all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the

same again."

 

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you

must be Louie."

 

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't

ask about my ****ing day."

 

 

 

 

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

 

 

 

 

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

 

 

 

 

 

Fr Patrick, A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

 

Dear Father Patrick, after observing the ceremony which you just gave the congregation i vave a few notes of advice for you. They are as follows

 

 

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

 

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

 

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

 

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

 

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

 

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

 

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

 

Yours in shock

 

monsignor James

 

 

 

 

 

Little Old Lady Bets The Bank

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I