Jokes 2

[.TuG.DaveAlmighty]

Second Batch:

 

 

 

 

 

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

 

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

 

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

 

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

 

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

 

"What is that, my son?"

 

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

 

 

 

 

 

What would you call the definition of surprise?

Answer: A fart with a lump in it.

 

 

Old Irish Proverb

 

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

Fred and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the fred lets rip a fart.

Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"

fred says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"

A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.

fred says, "Crikey, what was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Fred lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

 

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

 

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

 

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

 

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

 

"What about your husband? asked the model.

 

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

 

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

 

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

 

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

 

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

 

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

 

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

 

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

 

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

 

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

 

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

 

"Yes, said Fred, I have

 

........but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

 

 

 

 

 

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat

this

Procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at

least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!

Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my Instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from ******' skippin", the Irishman said.

 

 

 

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

 

 

 

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother cause I still have mine"

 

 

 

 

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said.

"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 

 

 

 

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

 

 

 

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

 

 

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

 

 

 

 

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.

 

 

 

 

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

 

 

 

 

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

 

 

 

 

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

 

 

 

 

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?

 

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

 

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

 

 

 

 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

 

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

 

 

"I see," says the manager,

**turning his head looking towards the Bank assistant** "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

 

 

 

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

 

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

 

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 

 

 

 

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you?

 

ARE YOU?"

 

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

 

 

 

 

 

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun.

 

She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

 

Well, the blonde is really angry.

 

She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

 

She took the gun and put it to her head.

 

The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

 

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

 

 

 

 

Cannibal Fruit

 

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

 

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

 

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

 

 

 

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

 

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

 

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

 

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

 

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

 

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

 

 

 

 

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

 

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

 

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

 

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

 

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

 

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

 

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

 

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said,

 

"Circumcision is not meant to kill."

 

 

 

 

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

 

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

 

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

 

 

 

 

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

 

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

 

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for

you?"

 

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!"

 

The woman kept quiet and left.

 

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how

was the trip?"

 

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

 

"Which present?" She asked.

 

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

 

"Oh, that" she said

 

"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it

is a girl!!"

 

 

 

 

A young man with a wild and multi-colored hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

 

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

 

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."