.TuG.DaveAlmighty

Nah, big porn industry in the netherlands!

espguitars.com Ask around forums, etc.

How about today or tomorrow?

When is the next one? Try remind me, I haven't played for a long time.

Uhh guys, just a heads up, as I'm pretty sure I can find somewhere cheaper than you can http://www.shopto.net/page.php?page=dettagli&codart=PCEN02

See G force's pic? He'll be coming to your door any minute now:smile:

Why can't I upload things?

I've been on here a few times at school, but it's not been blocked, but any other random forums which no one would even look at have been blocked.

No. You can kick anyone's ass. Preferably not mine. It's school.

This is the rest of them. A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her." This boy walked in on his mom bouncing on his dads stomach....and his mom dismounted fast and went after him. The boy said "mom what were you doing" mom said "well i was helping your dad flatten his stomach" The boy goes "dont waste your time" Mom says "why?" The boy goes "because whilst ur shopping, dads secretary comes over and helps him blow it back up" Snyper walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, Snyper comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." A man was in his bed in the hospital, and in walks a nurse. The nurse begins to sponge bath the old man, and the old man says in a whiskery voice "are my testicals black?" The nurse shocked at what she just heard says "no sorry, that is not my job, i'll call another nurse in to check" after a few minutes, the old man says "are my testicals black?" again the nurse replies "sorry, thats not my job" The man says one more time "are my testicals black?" so at this point the nurse has a hankering curiosity.. she reaches down, feels around and takes a very close look. she then tells him "no sir, your testicals are not black" the old man speaks louder and says "thats great, but i asked if my test results are back" Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!". Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She:"Oh that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?" He:"I found the remote." Mike and John spent the night drinking and taking drugs, outside the town, at the early morning while driving back home on a highway, Mike says to John: be careful of that tree coming at the side of the road., John didn't reply, few seconds later, again Mike says: Watch out for the tree man!! and again John didn't reply, getting very close and very fast to hit the tree Mike shouts: THE TREEEE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.... BAM!!! the car hits the tree badly. Surpsignly they came out alive, Mike says in anger: I told you 3 times stupid ****** to watch out the tree! John replied: and what could I do!! you were driving the ****en car!! A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." 1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." -------------------------------------------------- 2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" -------------------------------------------------- 3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." -------------------------------------------------- 4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support:: ?!%#$ -------------------------------------------------- 5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" -------------------------------------------------- 6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer:: "A white one." -------------------------------------------------- 7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?" -------------------------------------------------- 8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." -------------------------------------------------- 9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." -------------------------------------------------- 10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." -------------------------------------------------- 11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." -------------------------------------------------- 12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" -------------------------------------------------- 13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." -------------------------------------------------- 14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" -------------------------------------------------- 15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support:: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" -------------------------------------------------- 16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later. User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. 1 hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. ------------------------------------------------- 17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out? Cust: sure CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'? Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer? A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." A bored housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the wardrobe and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home early, so she quickly puts her lover in the wardrobe with her little boy. The boy says, "Dark in here" The lover replies, "Yes it is" Boy, "I have a baseball" Lover, "Thats nice" Boy, "Want to buy it?" Lover, "No thanks" B, "My dads outside this wardrobe" L, "Ok, how much?" B, "

Second Batch: About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?" What would you call the definition of surprise? Answer: A fart with a lump in it. Old Irish Proverb Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing. Fred and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the fred lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?" fred says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!" A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher. fred says, "Crikey, what was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Fred lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides." Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have ........but the rest of the dart team hadn't." An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this Procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS! Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my Instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from ******' skippin", the Irishman said. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother cause I still have mine" "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards. A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, **turning his head looking towards the Bank assistant** "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire." A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!" Cannibal Fruit Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women." There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill." A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom." A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" She asked. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!" A young man with a wild and multi-colored hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man. "What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Has been a while since I last posted my jokes, but now. Here lie the best, most disgusting, probably explicit jokes on the internet. Oh and it wouldn't surprise me if there's two of the same one. Enjoy:smile: Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge. The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!" The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge. The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!" The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge. The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?" The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." 'Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out." "That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?" "I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!" There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed in the early hours of the morning, the man removed himself from his bar stool and left the establishment. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking alone on the sidewalk. The really drunk fellow stumbled over to the nun and surprised her with a knuckle sandwich to her face. Before the surprised nun could react, the drunk fellow punched her yet again, knocking her to the ground. Then, the drunk fellow kicked her in the rear end. Finally, he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By now, the nun was very weak and almost lifeless. The drunk fellow stumbled over to her one last time, glared down at her and said, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman!" Three best friends, an Italian guy, a black guy and a Jewish guy, are at the corner bar having a few drinks. Some time later, the drunken fools decide to have a bet to see whose wife will scream the longest when making love. So, they all stumble home and take action. The following week, the three guys all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy exclaims, "I definitely won! I took my wife out to dinner and I bought her roses. Then, we went home and made love. She screamed for an hour!" The black guy brags, "Man, I got you beat! I cooked dinner for my wife. Then, for desert, I poured honey all over her and we made love. She screamed for two hours!" The Jewish guy bellows, "I got you both beat! I made love to my wife for 3 minutes. Then, when I pulled out, I wiped my schmeckle on the curtains and she's still screaming!" A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. And, naturally, the slowest and weakest brain cells are attacked first. And so, it can be hypothesized that regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, resulting in a faster and more efficient brain. A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island. Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The man explains that he did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together. A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The man explains that he did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together. Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?" "That's right," says the man. The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?" "Good God lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of clubs in that bag too!" A man walked into a bar and ordered up ten shots of whiskey, then sat there and drank them one after another. The bartender commented, "When a man drinks like that, he must have something on his mind." The man replied, "Yep, I just found out that my oldest son was gay!" A couple days later, the man returned to the bar and ordered up twenty shots of whiskey. "What's the matter now " asked the bartender. "I just found out that my other son is also gay!" A week later, the man again returned to the bar and ordered up thirty shots of whiskey. The bartender remarked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy " The man replied, "Yes, my wife!" Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips." The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having. A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink." A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money." A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass. The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips". "Wow!" says the bartender., "It cures chapped lips?" "No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them." A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?" The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink? A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling., "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!" This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my ****ing day." The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." Fr Patrick, A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Dear Father Patrick, after observing the ceremony which you just gave the congregation i vave a few notes of advice for you. They are as follows 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. Yours in shock monsignor James Little Old Lady Bets The Bank A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I

I almost could be bothered to read all that.

You say "soft" air? This sounds like big machine gun air. With shotguns.

Neither do I. But you are:smile:

I say I fall under the category: Someone who appreciates all music unlike some biased little poof who thinks his one type music is the best:smile:

Ok, here's some genres I've got. Rock Metal Anime Classic Rock Techno Happy Hardcore Electro Folk Game Indie Instrumental Instrumental Rock Pop Trance

I love music more than all of you combined, but I've never heard of these bands.

He will. Seriously. Fear the 6ft 6 random turkish people river throwing big german man.

EMO!? THEY MUST DIE!!!

I think there are more .TuGr.'s than there are .TuG.'s:blink:

Uhh, semi-welcome big ho! Never thought those words would ever come out my mouth...

I do!!! I want you to go to the same place, meet the same guy. Except this time. TAKE A VIDEO CAMERA!

Yup

You're right, he is big german man after all.